


Adding shadows to the walls of the cave

by Port_in_a_Storm



Series: Nursing on a poison [3]
Category: Emmerdale
Genre: Deep Conversations, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Established Relationship, M/M, Mentions of Aaron's abuse, Robert's insecurities, Therapy
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-09-05
Updated: 2016-09-05
Packaged: 2018-08-13 05:28:38
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,274
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7964341
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Port_in_a_Storm/pseuds/Port_in_a_Storm
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"Robert often wondered if they talked about him in those sessions, if Aaron told the therapist about what Robert had done to him; how he had treated him during the affair: the months of… abuse was the way a therapist would word it, though Robert hated the thought that the word could be pinned to him. It made him feel ill to think about the things he had said and done to Aaron."</p>
            </blockquote>





	Adding shadows to the walls of the cave

**Author's Note:**

  * For [TurquoiseTerrier](https://archiveofourown.org/users/TurquoiseTerrier/gifts).



> Hello everyone! Another not-very-happy fic, but happier than the last one I posted! This last addition to this series is based on a prompt from the amazing TurquoiseTerrier, who asked for a follow-up to LWTHSOI, in which Robert talks to Aaron about the way he treated Aaron in the past. I hope that this works well :)

It had been an uphill struggle to get Aaron to the stage that he wanted to go and see a therapist. Weeks of ‘I’m fine’s culminated into months of the phrase being repeated, to the point that everyone thought he _was_ fine. He started laughing and smiling a lot more. He went to France on his own. He had _fun_. But even after those months, he still flinched sometimes when someone touched his back, or when he heard a car door slam in the middle of the night. But it was when Liv entered their bedroom one night, quiet as anything, that Aaron panicked and it became painfully clear that he _wasn’t_ fine. 

Robert took Aaron to therapy. He waited for him in the car, sat in silence on the way back, and let Aaron go to their room without a word. They never talked about it. Robert tried, in that first week, to initiate a conversation, but Aaron’s sigh told him that he hadn’t the strength for it, so Robert had dropped it. 

He hadn’t really noticed a change in Aaron as such, but then it was difficult to tell, because there _were_ days that Aaron seemed okay. There were days that the abuse had been seemingly pushed to the back of his mind, and he functioned as normal. 

Robert often wondered if they talked about him in those sessions, if Aaron told the therapist about what Robert had done to him; how he had treated him during the affair: the months of… abuse was the way a therapist would word it, though Robert hated the thought that the word could be pinned to him. It made him feel ill to think about the things he had said and done to Aaron.

The car door opened, and he plastered a smile on his face. Aaron looked knackered, and he knew that he’d have to shove his own insecurities aside for now. But Aaron surprised Robert by lacing their fingers together, and although he didn’t say a word, Robert knew that Aaron needed the strength that Robert could provide. 

****

It was two weeks later that he raised the subject, though it was by accident. They were curled around each other in bed, sweat drying on their skin. They kissed every now and then, lazy and comfortable. A slight breeze fluttered through the window, but neither of them shivered. Aaron smiled, kissed Robert a last time for the night, and turned over. He faced the wall, but it felt safer to him than sleeping closest to the doorway. That was something that he couldn’t quite let go of yet. 

Robert shifted closer to him. He kissed the back of his neck and smiled when Aaron mumbled approvingly. Then his hand slid down Aaron’s shoulder, his waist, and around to his stomach. His fingers found the scars on his boyfriend’s skin easily. He knew exactly where they were. Aaron never flinched anymore when Robert touched his scars. He hadn’t even before therapy, actually, and it was something that Robert could never quite get over: Aaron’s strength.

‘How can you stand to let me near you?’ The question left his mouth before he even noticed he had formed it. It hovered awkwardly in the night air. 

He felt Aaron shift, then move onto his back. ‘What?’ he murmured. His forehead was creased in a frown. When Robert remained silent, Aaron said, ‘What did you say?’

Robert swallowed. ‘How can you bear to let me near you? After everything I did to you?’

‘What’re you talking about?’

‘During our affair,’ Robert clarified. ‘The way I… abused you.’

Aaron’s eyes darkened. ‘You didn’t _abuse_ me.’

‘Maybe not physically, but emotionally,’ Robert said. Aaron looked away, and that was all Robert needed, to know that Aaron had thought it as well. ‘The way I treated you, Aaron, the things I said… I don’t understand how you can just… move on from that.’

Aaron shrugged. ‘I don’t know either,’ he said. ‘Maybe I wanted to find excuses for you. No excuses exist for Gordon, and the way he treated me. But for you… I wanted to believe that you were having a hard time with keeping the affair a secret, or keeping Katie a secret, all whilst your life was falling apart.’ He looked away.

‘But the way I treated you, Aaron… God… I let you _harm_ yourself so that I wouldn’t get into trouble. I always put you last. I ridiculed you—’

‘Tied me to a radiator, let me bleed overnight, held a gun to my head, as good as called me worthless.’ 

Aaron’s voice was hard. Robert’s eyes filled and he had to look away.

‘I watched you drive Andy insane, Robert. I _knew_ that you killed Katie and I still stuck around. So, what, maybe I was _desperate_ for you, eh? Maybe the sex was _that_ good. Maybe I needed someone to use and abuse me.’ 

‘Aaron, please.’

‘I fell in love with you, Robert. And I made excuses for you: things I could tell myself, or my Mum, or Paddy. Things that made me think that you actually weren’t that bad; or that you were confused and needed to protect the things that mattered to you.’

‘What do you see when you look at me?’ Robert asked. 

Aaron was quiet for the longest time. His eyes danced across Robert’s face, his chest rose and fell with his breath. ‘I don’t see the thing that you _think_ I see,’ he said finally. He shifted again, this time turning onto his side. ‘Nothing about you is evil to me, Robert. Yeah, I do sometimes separate the man you were and the man you are now, but I’m stopping myself from doing that. It’s not been easy: forgiving you, but most of me has.’

‘Most of you,’ Robert whispered. As was his wont, he had latched onto the negative. ‘So some of you is still holding on to that.’

‘Yeah,’ Aaron said with no hesitation. ‘And I’m not gonna apologise for that. I work through this in my own time, Robert, that’s something I learned from therapy. I’m not gonna push myself, and you can’t either.’

‘I wouldn’t,’ Robert said. ‘But if a part of you still hasn’t forgiven me, how can you be so comfortable with me?’

‘Because I _want_ to forgive you,’ he said. ‘That’s the difference. Nothing of what I feel for you is put on, Robert. I do love you, and most of me has forgiven you. That isn’t something that I’ve faked. I told you about the worst thing that has _ever_ happened to me; of course a large part of myself has forgiven you.’ Robert nodded a little, and Aaron nodded along with him. ‘Has this been worrying you for a while?’

‘A bit,’ Robert confessed. When Aaron narrowed his eyes, he chuckled. ‘A lot.’

Aaron put a hand to Robert’s chest, over the wound. ‘I want us to talk about stuff like this,’ he said. He looked down, then looked up again. ‘If this is bothering you, maybe you should see someone as well.’

Robert dismissed the thought immediately. ‘No, I’ll be fine.’

‘Hm. The amount of times I told _you_ that!’ But he left it alone, and Robert was grateful. Though now that Aaron knew something was wrong, he wouldn’t let it go completely. Part of Robert loved that: it showed that he cared.

‘I hope I didn’t… bring up any bad memories.’

‘It’s fine.’ Meaning that he had, but Aaron wouldn’t say it. Robert kissed his forehead. ‘Sleep?’

‘Yeah.’

Aaron stayed where he was, and they fell asleep facing each other.

**Author's Note:**

> Come have a nosy on tumblr!: [Port in a Storm](http://www.portinastorm.tumblr.com)
> 
> The title is a line taken from 'Sedated' by Hozier, as is the title of the series.


End file.
